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Argument & Debate
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
-Erma Bombeck
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Children
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
-Erma Bombeck
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Communication
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
-Erma Bombeck, "If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries...", 1971
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Equality
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We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
-Erma Bombeck
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Father
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When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping."
God smiled, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?"
When God made a father’s hands, they were large and sinewy.
The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Do You know what You’re doing? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, or rubber bands on pony tails."
God smiled, "I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day…yet small enough to cup a child’s face."
Then God molded long legs and broad shoulders.
The angel nearby said "Do You realize You just made a father without a lap? How will he pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?"
God smiled, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."
God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "Do You honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?"
God smiled, "They’ll support a small child who wants to "ride a horse to Banbury Cross" or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."
God worked through the night, giving the father few words but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.
Finally, He added tears, then turned to the angel, "Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?"
The angel was silent.
-Erma Bombeck, attributed
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Guilt
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-Erma Bombeck
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Housework
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
-Erma Bombeck
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
-Erma Bombeck
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Humor
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
-Erma Bombeck
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Nudity
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
-Erma Bombeck
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Parenting
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years"
-Erma Bombeck
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Thanksgiving
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
-Erma Bombeck
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
-Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
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Women
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"My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!'…Basically women work alone when they're at home. They think no one is feeling what they are feeling, that no one understands their daily frustrations. But we do; we all do."
-Erma Bombeck
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!
Another version: "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart."
-Erma Bombeck
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Youth
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I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
-Erma Bombeck
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Books by and about Erma Bombeck
