 |
(no category)
|
|
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed forward, shouting The WHO! The WHO! and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded OK.
-Dave Barry, The Snake
|
|
Argument & Debate
|
|
|
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Christianity
|
|
|
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!
-Dave Barry
|
|
Coffee (or Tea)
|
|
|
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Computers
|
|
|
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
-Dave Barry
|
|
|
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Democracy
|
|
|
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Golf
|
|
|
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Housework
|
|
|
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Humanity
|
|
|
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Men & Women
|
|
|
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Metric System
|
|
|
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Science
|
|
|
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry
|
|
Women
|
|
|
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.
-Dave Barry
|
Books by and about Dave Barry