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Alcohol/Alcoholism
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Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
-Erma Bombeck
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Argument & Debate
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
-Erma Bombeck
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Bravery
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
-Erma Bombeck
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Children
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
-Erma Bombeck
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Comedy
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
-Erma Bombeck
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Communication
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
-Erma Bombeck, If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries..., 1971
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Control
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I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.
-Erma Bombeck
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Doctors
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-Erma Bombeck
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Equality
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We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.
-Erma Bombeck
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Exercise
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
-Erma Bombeck
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Family
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
-Erma Bombeck
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Father
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When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you
-Erma Bombeck, attributed
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Guilt
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-Erma Bombeck
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Housework
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
-Erma Bombeck
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
-Erma Bombeck
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Humor
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
-Erma Bombeck
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Nudity
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
-Erma Bombeck
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Parenting
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years
-Erma Bombeck
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Success & Failure
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
-Erma Bombeck
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Talent
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me..
-Erma Bombeck
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Thanksgiving
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
-Erma Bombeck
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
-Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
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Books by and about Erma Bombeck