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Apathy
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
-George Carlin
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Boy Scouts of America
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Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
-George Carlin
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Camping
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
-George Carlin
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Evil
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
-George Carlin
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Housework
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
-George Carlin
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Humor
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I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
-George Carlin
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Observation
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-George Carlin
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Perception
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Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
-George Carlin
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Present, the
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
-George Carlin
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Speeches (oratory)
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
-George Carlin
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Thanksgiving
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
-George Carlin
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War
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
-George Carlin
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Books by and about George Carlin