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Apathy
Engrave this Quote Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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-George Carlin
Boy Scouts of America
Engrave this Quote Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
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-George Carlin
Camping
Engrave this Quote Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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-George Carlin
Evil
Engrave this Quote May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
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-George Carlin
Housework
Engrave this Quote Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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-George Carlin
Humor
Engrave this Quote I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
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-George Carlin
Observation
Engrave this Quote Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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-George Carlin
Perception
Engrave this Quote Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
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-George Carlin
Present, the
Engrave this Quote There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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-George Carlin
Speeches (oratory)
Engrave this Quote Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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-George Carlin
Thanksgiving
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
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-George Carlin
War
Engrave this Quote The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
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-George Carlin

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