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Age
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
-Groucho Marx
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-Groucho Marx
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Art
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We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
-Groucho Marx
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Authors & Writing
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
-Groucho Marx
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Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
-Groucho Marx
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Birth
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Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
-Groucho Marx
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Children
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My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
-Groucho Marx
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Choice
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-Groucho Marx
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Cooking, Culinary
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I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
-Groucho Marx
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Death
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-Groucho Marx
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Divorce
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
-Groucho Marx
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Dogs
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx
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Envy / Jealousy
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There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
-Groucho Marx
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Face, Faces
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-Groucho Marx
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Food
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I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
-Groucho Marx
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Honesty
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There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
-Groucho Marx
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Humor
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
-Groucho Marx
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Leadership
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
-Groucho Marx
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Marriage
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One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
-Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marx
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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
-Groucho Marx
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Military, the
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-Groucho Marx
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People
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
-Groucho Marx
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Politics
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
-Groucho Marx
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Poverty
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I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
-Groucho Marx
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Books by and about Groucho Marx