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Alcohol/Alcoholism
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I always wake up at the crack of ice.
-Joe E. Lewis
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I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
-Joe E. Lewis
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A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
-Joe E. Lewis
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I drink to forget I drink.
-Joe E. Lewis
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I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
-Joe E. Lewis
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It pays to get drunk with the best people.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Animals
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Drinking
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I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Food
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I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Friends
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Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Gambling (Gaming)
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I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Life
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You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Maturity
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Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Medicine
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They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Memory
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I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Money
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It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money.
-Joe E. Lewis
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There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
-Joe E. Lewis
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I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Poverty
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Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Speeches (oratory)
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Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Taxation
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Youth
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You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
-Joe E. Lewis
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Books by and about Joe E. Lewis