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Abstinence
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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
-Woody Allen
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Animals
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Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
-Woody Allen
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Choice
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More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man.
-Woody Allen, My Speech to the Graduates First published in the New York Times in 1979
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Comedy
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
-Woody Allen
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
-Woody Allen
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Crime
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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
-Woody Allen
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Death
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
-Woody Allen
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I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-Woody Allen
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Doubt
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-Woody Allen
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Dreams
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-Woody Allen
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Drugs
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I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
-Woody Allen
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Expectation
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-Woody Allen
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Film / Filmmaking / Movies
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen
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Food
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
-Woody Allen
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Goodness
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-Woody Allen
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Hollywood
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
-Woody Allen
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Immortality
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
-Woody Allen
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Intelligence
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
-Woody Allen
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Life
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Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
-Woody Allen
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Love
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
-Woody Allen
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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
-Woody Allen
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Mankind, Man
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
-Woody Allen
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Marriage
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The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
-Woody Allen
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Marriage is the death of hope.
-Woody Allen
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Books by and about Woody Allen